Things I Hate (but Secretly Love): My Possible Shopping Addiction

My mother has always told me I have an aversion to money. I like to spend it as soon as I get any. And that I still think it grows on trees.

I go to one of the best and most privileged colleges in the country. I'm not privileged in the least bit. Average middle class at best. I get my good chunk of financial aid with my brother also in college and my mom being sole supporter since my dad has step brothers and sisters to now take care of. I wouldn't say my spending habits started in college, but it definitely doesn't help. Keeping up with some friends who have a seemingly endless supply of money is fucking hard. Things that don't cost much at first--going out to dinner, buying drugs and alcohol, train tickets to NYC, etc.--add up pretty quickly.

I can't blame my surroundings for my spending issues. My parents used to buy me whatever I wanted throughout middle school and high school whether or not they could actually afford it. Granted, my neither of my folks have the best financial track record. I still can't blame them because I'm twenty, and I should know better. I think I spent about $150 dollars just this week that could have been used to get the rest of my texbooks out of the way. At least I still do have enough for my books.

My priorities are messed up. Like I just said, I still have to pay for my books, I need to pay off (at least attempt to) my credit card that my parents don't know about, and put money back into my savings. I stopped being an impulse buyer a few years ago and now it just takes a little bit longer for me to spend everything I make.

Hell, I just bought an $80-something necklace from Gilt that I didn't need because there was a ten minute timer, and I knew it was the only one left since it was on my waitlist. I promised myself I would never buy from that site because it promotes impulse buying. Alas, I've taken three steps back and fucked myself over.

I've become accustomed to a lifestyle that is not for me and cannot afford. I obviously love the feeling of purchasing a new pair of shoes or makeup or whatever I feel is worthy of my dollar. I love beauty products and clothing and can talk about it for ages with the hope of working in the business one day. The guilt that comes after and the financial pressure I feel when I have to pay for something of necessity keeps me up crying at night. Yet, all that is forgotten when I find something online and place it under my  "Wishlist" bookmark tab to look at again and again until I've "saved" up enough money to purchase the item. The money can always go to something else more important. Sometimes I feel like I am two seconds away from using underground methods to help my money problems. Until then, I'll keep this cycle going until I wise up and/or won't be able to handle my funds.


I hate this about myself. Really, really hate this.

Things I Hate: Realizing You're Smarter Than Your Parents

I know, I'm already getting really bad at this posting nonsense. I need a schedule. Badly.

I wanted to write about something else, but this seems like a better topic. Of course, I'm currently watching Real Housewives of Atlanta, and while watching my mom said Kim's children looked like "skanks". At first I was confused because they looked like any other tween/teenaged (not sure of both their ages) girl. I became outraged about five seconds later. One, why was my mother talking shit about other people's children? And two, why is my mother, "the feminist", calling anyone a skank regardless of their age? I didn't want to get into it with her and ruin the show for the evening so I just tried to ask her why she said that; it was the shorts.

I don't know if my mom realizes, but I shopped at Limited Too when I was that age, and that store (now called Justice) has not changed one bit. I looked exactly the same as those girls, except maybe a bit more developed. Eh, I was early. But really shorts?! They're in Atlanta and its summer and they're in the house.  I debate about going outside naked when it's hot in Baltimore. Even if they're wearing "skanky" shorts, what right does my mom, or anyone, have to judge anyone?

Obviously, shorts really isn't the issue. It was annoying or sad or disheartening or whatever the feeling is to see your parents let you down intellectually. I go to a better college than my parents did, but my mom has never let me down too much with her outlook on the world and others until about twenty minutes ago. I've never heard my mom outright call another woman/lady/girl a degrading name. At least I know it's not right? Moral.

And that not all feminists are the same (not in a good way). I've been learning that a lot in the classroom, friend groups, and on "feminist" blogs lately.

Things I Love: Sinuous

Sinuous

This is only a love post because I'm on winter break and have no work.

Also, play this when you're high. You won't regret it.

So good.

Things I Hate: My Chest

I know we're not supposed to hate our bodies, and for the most part, I don't. Although they see sunlight (and club lights) a lot, I cannot stand my chest. They're a hassle. They're big, they're in the way, and they're probably going to give me back problems. Just so you know how big we're talking, I mean DD cup. There's larger ones out there--real and fake--but I've been blessed enough to have the skinny lower half, huge upper half, inverted triangle body. 

Blessed my ass. I usually look like a stripper or a balloon, and nothing ever fits. Please don't get me started on dresses. I wholly believe that the world would be a better place if I, and others with my body type, could wear zip dresses that are made for bigger busts--and not strapless where I, again, look like a stripper. At least women with wider hips/butts have dress with a-line skirts that are super cute. I thought I there would be some with the resurgence of the retro, Mad Men-style dresses. "Wiggle" dresses are not my friend if I want to breathe. 

Nipples. I've seen/played with/etc my fair share of breasts of various sizes. I've only seen one natural pair that semi-resemble what porn and Playboy has told me that my chest should look like. They were pierced so I'm not sure if they still count. I'm always super conscious of where my nipples point (more ground than sky), which is why I try to keep my bra on when getting frisky especially with boys. Most people aren't big fans of that. Even though almost every guy and girl I've been with doesn't care what they look like as long as they get some, I still freak out. Being with other girls and seeing different types of breasts has made me feel a bit better about myself. (Proving that women are yet again amazing. I'm sometimes biased, whatever.) Some breasts are firm, others jiggly, and big and small aureolas. They're all beautiful except mine. 

As a side note, I do not know how women with bigger busts of the jiggly variety stay in shape without crying. I'm a runner. Or I used to be a runner. I still love and want to be a runner. I need to find armor for working out. At least I've found cute bras (thank god I live in a city with bra shops and Cacique). 

/endrant

Things I Love: Bravo Network

I watch a lot of television. I'm a media studies major so I call it homework. And I love Bravo. Well, the Real Housewives series. It's an unholy addiction. Anderson Cooper watches it too, so I'm in good company. (If you do not love ACoop as much as I do, please leave.) I regularly watch Atlanta, New Jersey, trying to watch New York, and proudly watch Beverly Hills. I've seen a few episodes of Orange County, but it didn't really do it for me.

What I love about Atlanta:
Kandi, Kim, NeNe, Phaedra, and Dwight (the guy with the bad plastic surgery).

MY GOD. I want all these people to be in my life because they're so ridiculously bad. It's saying something when I think Kandi and NeNe are the most sane of all of them. The BEST one-liners that I have incorporated into my daily life (and pretend I made up if I found out someone indeed lives under a rock and doesn't know about this television gold). "Boughetto"? "Mmhmm"? "Sugar in your vajayjay" as a new slang term for yeast infection? GOLD, PEOPLE, GOLD.

What I love about New Jersey:
That Danielle is leaving the show, finally. Yeah, she was the villain, but I feel like a horrible human being laughing at her antics. She probably has a mental illness or two. But I LOVE Teresa and her daughters. They are the most amazing human beings I have ever seen. You will never see more leopard, pink, and sparkles than you do on these people. And they complain. ABOUT EVERYTHING! I swear one episode will feature them complaining about air. What will Joe do about it? Buy new air for them! In a recession! Then get rewarded with tabloid covers! I die*.

My future (imaginary) children will look exactly like this.

Amazing.  

What I love about Beverly Hills:
Camille Grammer, the rich villain

What emotion is this people?! Is she just trying to read something far away?! I can't tell! Answer: Gas.

Most of the women are unreadable, but Camille takes the cake. Her face, and voice for that matter, stays exactly the same except when she gets angry/upset/outraged. I think. Like Kyle, I think she's delusional too, but you guys it's reality television. If they don't have some sort of mental illness or personality disorder, they don't belong on my television screen.

I actually like Kyle. And Lisa.

In all honesty, I love Andy Cohen most. I'm thinking about staying home on New Years Eve just to watch him on television with all the housewives. DID YOU HEAR THAT ANDY? CAN YOU HEAR ME? I WANT TO HAVE YOUR CHILDREN! Also, I want to be a writer and I want to write for these (read: any) shows!

*See what I did there? Shout out to Rachel Zoe!