My mother has always told me I have an aversion to money. I like to spend it as soon as I get any. And that I still think it grows on trees.
I go to one of the best and most privileged colleges in the country. I'm not privileged in the least bit. Average middle class at best. I get my good chunk of financial aid with my brother also in college and my mom being sole supporter since my dad has step brothers and sisters to now take care of. I wouldn't say my spending habits started in college, but it definitely doesn't help. Keeping up with some friends who have a seemingly endless supply of money is fucking hard. Things that don't cost much at first--going out to dinner, buying drugs and alcohol, train tickets to NYC, etc.--add up pretty quickly.
I can't blame my surroundings for my spending issues. My parents used to buy me whatever I wanted throughout middle school and high school whether or not they could actually afford it. Granted, my neither of my folks have the best financial track record. I still can't blame them because I'm twenty, and I should know better. I think I spent about $150 dollars just this week that could have been used to get the rest of my texbooks out of the way. At least I still do have enough for my books.
My priorities are messed up. Like I just said, I still have to pay for my books, I need to pay off (at least attempt to) my credit card that my parents don't know about, and put money back into my savings. I stopped being an impulse buyer a few years ago and now it just takes a little bit longer for me to spend everything I make.
Hell, I just bought an $80-something necklace from Gilt that I didn't need because there was a ten minute timer, and I knew it was the only one left since it was on my waitlist. I promised myself I would never buy from that site because it promotes impulse buying. Alas, I've taken three steps back and fucked myself over.
I've become accustomed to a lifestyle that is not for me and cannot afford. I obviously love the feeling of purchasing a new pair of shoes or makeup or whatever I feel is worthy of my dollar. I love beauty products and clothing and can talk about it for ages with the hope of working in the business one day. The guilt that comes after and the financial pressure I feel when I have to pay for something of necessity keeps me up crying at night. Yet, all that is forgotten when I find something online and place it under my "Wishlist" bookmark tab to look at again and again until I've "saved" up enough money to purchase the item. The money can always go to something else more important. Sometimes I feel like I am two seconds away from using underground methods to help my money problems. Until then, I'll keep this cycle going until I wise up and/or won't be able to handle my funds.
I hate this about myself. Really, really hate this.
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