Things I Hate: My Chest

I know we're not supposed to hate our bodies, and for the most part, I don't. Although they see sunlight (and club lights) a lot, I cannot stand my chest. They're a hassle. They're big, they're in the way, and they're probably going to give me back problems. Just so you know how big we're talking, I mean DD cup. There's larger ones out there--real and fake--but I've been blessed enough to have the skinny lower half, huge upper half, inverted triangle body. 

Blessed my ass. I usually look like a stripper or a balloon, and nothing ever fits. Please don't get me started on dresses. I wholly believe that the world would be a better place if I, and others with my body type, could wear zip dresses that are made for bigger busts--and not strapless where I, again, look like a stripper. At least women with wider hips/butts have dress with a-line skirts that are super cute. I thought I there would be some with the resurgence of the retro, Mad Men-style dresses. "Wiggle" dresses are not my friend if I want to breathe. 

Nipples. I've seen/played with/etc my fair share of breasts of various sizes. I've only seen one natural pair that semi-resemble what porn and Playboy has told me that my chest should look like. They were pierced so I'm not sure if they still count. I'm always super conscious of where my nipples point (more ground than sky), which is why I try to keep my bra on when getting frisky especially with boys. Most people aren't big fans of that. Even though almost every guy and girl I've been with doesn't care what they look like as long as they get some, I still freak out. Being with other girls and seeing different types of breasts has made me feel a bit better about myself. (Proving that women are yet again amazing. I'm sometimes biased, whatever.) Some breasts are firm, others jiggly, and big and small aureolas. They're all beautiful except mine. 

As a side note, I do not know how women with bigger busts of the jiggly variety stay in shape without crying. I'm a runner. Or I used to be a runner. I still love and want to be a runner. I need to find armor for working out. At least I've found cute bras (thank god I live in a city with bra shops and Cacique). 

/endrant

Things I Love: Bravo Network

I watch a lot of television. I'm a media studies major so I call it homework. And I love Bravo. Well, the Real Housewives series. It's an unholy addiction. Anderson Cooper watches it too, so I'm in good company. (If you do not love ACoop as much as I do, please leave.) I regularly watch Atlanta, New Jersey, trying to watch New York, and proudly watch Beverly Hills. I've seen a few episodes of Orange County, but it didn't really do it for me.

What I love about Atlanta:
Kandi, Kim, NeNe, Phaedra, and Dwight (the guy with the bad plastic surgery).

MY GOD. I want all these people to be in my life because they're so ridiculously bad. It's saying something when I think Kandi and NeNe are the most sane of all of them. The BEST one-liners that I have incorporated into my daily life (and pretend I made up if I found out someone indeed lives under a rock and doesn't know about this television gold). "Boughetto"? "Mmhmm"? "Sugar in your vajayjay" as a new slang term for yeast infection? GOLD, PEOPLE, GOLD.

What I love about New Jersey:
That Danielle is leaving the show, finally. Yeah, she was the villain, but I feel like a horrible human being laughing at her antics. She probably has a mental illness or two. But I LOVE Teresa and her daughters. They are the most amazing human beings I have ever seen. You will never see more leopard, pink, and sparkles than you do on these people. And they complain. ABOUT EVERYTHING! I swear one episode will feature them complaining about air. What will Joe do about it? Buy new air for them! In a recession! Then get rewarded with tabloid covers! I die*.

My future (imaginary) children will look exactly like this.

Amazing.  

What I love about Beverly Hills:
Camille Grammer, the rich villain

What emotion is this people?! Is she just trying to read something far away?! I can't tell! Answer: Gas.

Most of the women are unreadable, but Camille takes the cake. Her face, and voice for that matter, stays exactly the same except when she gets angry/upset/outraged. I think. Like Kyle, I think she's delusional too, but you guys it's reality television. If they don't have some sort of mental illness or personality disorder, they don't belong on my television screen.

I actually like Kyle. And Lisa.

In all honesty, I love Andy Cohen most. I'm thinking about staying home on New Years Eve just to watch him on television with all the housewives. DID YOU HEAR THAT ANDY? CAN YOU HEAR ME? I WANT TO HAVE YOUR CHILDREN! Also, I want to be a writer and I want to write for these (read: any) shows!

*See what I did there? Shout out to Rachel Zoe!